I can still remember, the day of our first date, it was awesome, really. Matter of fact, it was one of those special days, that I’ve actually been treated more nicely than other days. The fact that you took the time to cook for me was really special. We shared a secret diary that you and me passed to each other. We traded secrets about each other, I shared only my deep darkest secrets to those who only knew me close enough, and i shared more with you, about myself and i explained to you how the perception of others isn’t what it seems when it comes to me. I didn’t really know how it could ended up to this, but yeah it happened.
At first it feels almost perfect, it felt that we were destined for each other. I wouldn’t say its love at first sight, but i could say it was the love at first action. You totally caught my attention. I guess that was what I had been hoping for all along. Actions. We met and went out on a few outings together, or I don’t know whether i should call it a date because it seemed like it was, simply, we went out.
We had friends whom disagreed of our date relationship , and others who stood there just knowing. We were low profile, but we couldn’t ignore the routine of an every day life, since we’re living off in a small place, and that we are bound to meet someone we knew.
After awhile, we were busy. I remember again one night, when we were talking about what we love to listen to, and apparently we both didn’t know who we were referring to.I took in at first that this was the challenge we faced. Other days often left me trying to find something that we can both relate to, something that we both had in common, but in the end, I think we both just decided to kept at accepting each other’s differences, and some other times, when I can’t find anything else to say, I just went with the ‘poke you so it doesn’t feel so awkward and quiet’ feeling, it was fun, it was a distraction from having me to say something foolish instead.
We had our bigger argument, and i had such a disapproval feeling of how you see things. At this point of time, I’m stopping, reflecting, trying to always find a point, or a moment, maybe something that can bring me back to why we had this at the first place. I knew we were dating, that was in the back of my mind. and that point of time it felt like It’s okay for me to feel this way, because we are dating, and i always kept this mentality where I’m on a date, so this is where i can find out even more, whether this person is right for me, and if it doesn’t feel right, then its okay. move on they say.
I think it all came to this maybe because, we were already exceptionally close to each other and had feelings for each other. At one side, I’m thinking, I don’t want to get into a status where we’re boyfriend and girlfriend so soon, because I really hate the breaking up process just because we don’t know each other so well. It’s annoying, its boring, it takes so much emotional energy.
At that very night, when i just needed time to think things through, and how you were letting me know “how you couldn’t breathe without me”, it just got me thinking, how that doesn’t make sense at all. I was already disappointed before, and the message you were giving to me, just didn’t seem right at the time and made it look like you couldn’t stand on your own and just a very desperate attempt and making us be friends. I couldn’t learn to put it to stop, that the moment you said it, my mind said,
“If you’re already saying this at the point of time when we’re dating, how will it be when we’re together then?”
The next day, you told me that we should be friends. I texted you saying hi the day after, not wanting to lose that friendship we had, because we were only dating, but you seem to see that we shouldn’t be talking to each other since we’re friends aka not talking to each other.
Somehow it seemed like we just had a break up, when we’re not even together, and it seemed like a substitute for that, and no matter what i try to say to just stay as friends, you’ll end up not being able , leaving me with a last message saying f**k off.
I’ve to say, not everything that I’ve done is good enough, or worth the read, or i may even be criticised to post this up, and i’ll accept this as a part of my life lesson.
writinglikeastoner 